Blue-Black Chapter 10

It was nearing the end of November.

Winter had come quick to the small town, though the chilly breeze remained relatively mild and amiable. Autumn passed quickly to make up for the lingering of summer. Now, the green hues of the mountaintops were washing away as the water in the sea began to chill. 

Kazusa happily told Shouri that his parents would be coming over for New Year’s. The pair had promised to go see the first sunrise together; to share the very first seconds of the new year with each other. 

Today, they had a study session at Kazusa’s house. Snacking on the soy sauce rice crackers that old man Sato had given them, they screamed about their assignments before the final exam.

“Ugh what is thissssss!?” Cried Shouri. 

Seeing Shouri, head in his hands, Kazusa smiled innocently while tapping the eraser on the desk. Incidentally, the mechanical pencil he was clutching was a birthday gift from Shouri.

“Don’t worry, I have no idea either.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better!” Laughed Shouri, no longer concentrated on his paper. 

I don’t need pages upon pages of study notes, nor stacks of practice assignments. As long as you’re with me, nothing will ever be too much. 

“I’m so jealous of smart people. They can solve the problems without looking at the answers.” Sighed Shouri, plopping himself down on the tea table. Kazusa nodded in agreement, folding his arms. 

o

“There should be some consideration for dumbasses like us, right?”

Kazusa nodded again. 

Shouri gingerly stretched and rolled directly onto the tatami mat floor. He looked up at the ceiling and started at the carved pattern right above him. As he stared at it, it morphed into the impression of a human face.

“When are you ever going to use maths when you grow up? The most you’ll ever use is arithmetic..”

Shouri closed his eyes, as pained words escaped from his lips. He laid on the ground, unwilling to do anything. For more than a minute, no words were exchanged. Not a sound was heard apart from the rustling of leaves in the distant wind. Shouri suddenly jerked up, panicked at the lack of response. Kazusa was looking at Shouri. Silent. Barely breathing. 

“….Kazusa…?”

It was a breathtakingly beautiful and harrowing sight.

Thin chiseled red lips, languidly narrowed eyes, his black bangs dusting over his porcelain-like skin. Just a beautiful boy sitting in a room, hallowed by hazy, brilliant winter sunshine on his back. The perfect scene was in front of him, as if the world around them had stopped just for that perfect moment.

And it was terrifying. 

Maybe it was the shadow cast by his long lashes on his eyes. Maybe it was the colourless cheeks that reflected the cold winter, or maybe it was because of his ephemeral beauty that made the scene look like it was a painting, but in that moment, Shouri was paralysed by an unknown fear, as he was helplessly enchanted by that mysterious charm Kazusa glowed with. 

“Kazusa? Hey, Kazusa!”

Unbeknownst to why, Shouri was afraid that Kazusa was going to disappear right there and then. Like magnolias in the spring wind, Shouri felt that Kazusa was going to disappear. In that moment, Kazusa grabbed his wrist, biting his lip tightly.

“Shouri,”

He was crying. The stunned Shouri heard the sobs and watched the tears roll down his cheeks, speechless and paralysed. 

“I don’t want to leave… I want to stay here…” 

The tear-stained words echoed in the empty room; his tears left unwiped, dropping onto the crinkled homework papers. 

I don’t want to leave this place. 

Shouri wasn’t sure what those words meant. Could it be that he was going back to Tokyo? He said he had come here to be in a batter environment. He also said that his grades were getting better recently. If he was going home because he was cured of his illness, wouldn’t that make him happy? As he thought about this, Shouri opened his mouth. 

“Hey.”

Interrupting his thoughts, Kazusa slipped past the side of the tea table and snuggled into Shouri’s arms. Every time he blinked, tears glistened on his eyelashes. With his right hand still free, Shouri rested it onto the smaller boy’s back. 

“Shouri.” Kazusa’s smooth fingers stroking Shouri’s cheek. 

“I love you.”

He didn’t want to hear the answer. Before Shouri could make up his mind, he felt Kazusa’s lips against his own. It was a long, quiet kiss, and by the time it was over, Kazusa was back to his usual self again. 

That was the last Kazusa that Shouri could remember.

§

“Kazusa has a fever. He’ll be better soon.”

“Kazusa is absent today again… due to illness.”

Two weeks have passed since he heard those words. 

He had visited him several times, but every time he went, he didn’t seem to be home. No matter when he went, or how often, Kazusa was never there. 

Shouri sighed as he opened the front door. As he walked in, he froze. The person standing in front of him was a beautiful woman. Shouri didn’t need to ask to know who the woman, who looked to be in her thirties, was. 

“Are you Shouri?” 

She asked in her melodic voice, to which Shouri nodded silently. Exhaustion mixed with pain was painted on her face, before she forced it away, smiling. 

“I’m Kazusa’s mother.”

Shouri felt as if his entire body was trembling, an unpleasant feeling consuming him. It can’t be. Kazusa is fine. He’s probably gone back to Tokyo, to his real home. It’s unusual that he didn’t say anything, but he probably didn’t want to say goodbye to Shouri face to face. Silly guy. Really, stupid Kazusa. 

“Kazusa is-”

“What’s wrong with Kazusa? I heard he had a fever. He’s going back to Tokyo? He’s ok, right?”

The woman, who claimed to be Kazusa’s mother, just stared at Shouri as he was trying to interpret the words she was about to say. 

“I’m glad that he got to meet someone like you.”

Tears spilled from Shouri’s eyes. He didn’t want to hear the rest of the story, he just wanted to believe that Kazusa was still here. He didn’t care if it was a lie, he just wanted to believe that he just left without saying anything. Then he could still have thought he was in this world. 

She smiled. 

“I’m so happy that he had such a good friend like you.”

She handed him an envelope, to which Shouri stared at it for a while, as if it were something unknown, but eventually, as if he had made up his mind, he cut the wax seal.

……………

Dear Shouri,

The fact that you are reading this means that I am no longer with this world. I hope you’re not in too much pain.

First of all, I’m sorry that I left without saying anything. I know I should’ve said something, and I probably am going to regret it for the rest of my life. They said I was getting better, and they were right. My bronchial tube was healing, but this time, my heart was not as good as it should be. I heard that it was inoperable. I had a heart attack right before summer vacation. 

I had a great time with you, I had a great time the last few months. I wanted to run around like a normal kid, though. I just moved to a new school, and it was really nice fitting in so fast. When I first met you, I thought you were very beautiful. I thought the sea, glittering in the morning sun matched you perfectly, and I thought that you were cool. I still do. I hope you work hard and become the best fisherman in your town, because you were always the best in my heart. 

If we’re ever reborn, let’s play together again.

Kazusa

I love you. 

…………

Shouri crushed the letter in his left hand. He couldn’t help but picture Kazusa’s smiling face in his head, like the warm sun on a cold winter’s day. Is this what pain feels like? Shouri understood now. It was as if his lungs were being compressed, his heart clawing out of his chest. He couldn’t stop crying. Sitting flat in front of the kitchen door, his sobs echo in the empty house, calling for him, but he did not come. 

“Me too, me too…”

I love you.

But I realised that feeling far too late

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Rei

Thank you for joining us on our journey through this heart-wrenching but beautiful story. We have come to the end, but stay tuned for the epilouge next week!

Send me a ko-fi!

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